Motel Hell

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Originally posted on http://horrorhothousereview.wordpress.com/

Motel Hell
Starring- Rory Calhoun, Paul Linke, Nancy Parsons, Nina Axelrod,
Director- Kevin Connor
Made- 1980
Tagline- You might just die….laughing
Fave quotes- “Meats meat and a man’s gotta eat.”
“There are too many people in the world and not enough food. Now this takes care of both problems at the same time.”

Who doesn’t love the 80s? Whether its horror movies, fashion or music, it just seems like the most fun (cheesy?) decade. I sometimes think I was born too late in the 80’s and would have preferred to live out this decade in its entirety. Alas, I have to make do with constantly visiting this time period and enjoying the shit out of it.

This brings us to the latest review, Motel Hell. This little gem found its way to my hands a few years ago when I picked up a 80s horror box set. This included Killer Klowns from outer space, Crawl space, Monkey Shines, Brain Damage, Full Moon High and more. Ten bucks? BARGAIN!
I just want to get this out of the way first. I love this movie! On average, this gets put on probably every 2 months. To me, this just encapsulates everything a 80s horror movie should be, funny, violent, twisted, corny and weird.

Motel Hell tells the story of farmer Vincent, a kindly old gentleman who runs an old motel and makes some of the best road side food around. What makes farmer Vincent’s meats so delicious? Well a nice old mix of sauces, spices, gravy and human. Whaa?

Farmer Vincent and his sister, Ida, kidnap unsuspecting guests and smoke em, grind em, mince em and eat em. After all, “it takes all kinds of critters to make farmer Vincent’s fritters.” That’s pretty much all you need to know going into Motel Hell. The rest is just a delightfully funny movie that will keep you watching until the end.

To read full review head on over to
http://horrorhothousereview.wordpress.com/

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Top 5 90’s horror

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Here we go again. This is the decade I really wanted to avoid. Why you ask? One word, mediocre. Of course the first part of this decade I was a bit young to fully grasp horror movies properly, but I still knew what I liked and what was decent to me. I was worried before starting this one that I would have trouble filling all the spots. Upon digging deeper into the 90’s back catalogue, I was actually surprised at the amount of good shit that I knew and knew well. Ok, fuck it it’s go time!

Number 5
Jason goes to hell
Haha I can hear the groans. I do ask you this but, why do you hate it so much? I mean apart from the random heart munching, the bogus timeline of Jason’s half sisters age, the over the top bounty hunter, the puppet Freddy hands at the entrance to hell or OR is it the fact that Jason actually looks like a persons insides that smokes 2 packs of Winfield reds a day? Wait, WHAT? Jason’s not a person but a dildo looking slimy worm? Erm you’re right I have trouble defending this film because what everyone says is right. It’s crap! But it’s crap I love, end of story.

Number 4
Blair witch project
Now this is a movie that I can and will defend to the end. I’m one of the few people I know that enjoys found footage. Not to say I like it all as its one of the easiest styles to turn into absolute garbage. It needs to be believable, exciting and well done. I hate ones that you can’t see properly or the noise is shit etc. When Blair witch dropped, it created a frenzy and with good reason. It’s exciting, believable and creepy shit. It’s one of those movies that suck you in and makes you think what you are watching is real. F%#k the haters, this movie kills it.

Number 3
IT
Ah penny wise, you’re the reason why so many kids (now adults) are still scared SHITLESS of clowns. I mean c’mon Mr King, you have a nice friendly form of family entertainment in clowns and what do you do? You turn one into a freaking child murderer!!! No just, no. Anyway, this was a movie that when I first seen it when I was younger it didn’t get to me, watch it in my teens? That’s when it came and kicked my arse. Whatever, I never wanted to go to the circus again. (or sewer drains for that matter)

Number 2
Halloween H20
This might be a bias opinion but there is no way in hell I’m leaving my boy Michael of any list. As I have said before, I consider this the last one in the original series (pre zombie remakes) and the ending feels like the perfect closing of the book. Halloween resurrection? Never heard of it. This movie does a damn fine job of re creating the original classic although it’s far behind. Jamie-lee is back and it feels right. All that would have nailed it would be Donald pleasance coming back if he was still with us( RIP)

Number 1
Scream
Come on, what did you really think I would finish with? There are MANY reasons this deserves top billing. It is a movie I can watch over and over and over and ov…..you get me. Scream has the perfect blend of horror and humour. Apart from loving this movie enough for me to make it my number 1, it also deserves it because of the effect it had on horror. I felt this kicked my favourite genres arse and made it wake up to itself, come back and wipe these shitty romantic comedy’s off the map. I will be fair, it inspired a heap of crap, but what decade didn’t have the good and the bad? I remember it was a while until I was allowed to watch this movie but that made me all the more keen and when I did get to watch it, I was amazed. Back when I first seen it I couldn’t see the comedy and loved it for its pure violence and scary theme. Now I understand the humour in it, it makes that much more special.

Honorable mentions
Leatherface- Texas chainsaw 3, Candyman, Audition, Halloween 6, Village of the damned, Texas chainsaw 4, From dusk to dawn, Campfire tales, Wish master, Scream 2, I know what you did last summer, The faculty, Urban legend,, Lake placid, Sleepy hollow, Stir of echoes, House on haunted hill

That’s it. It was actually a lot easier than I thought finding 5+ good 90’s films and I’m glad I did because it has reminded me of a whole heap I need to go buy.

Agree, disagree? Feel free to let me know 😀

I just want to give a MASSIVE shout out to Boss Butcher and give a thanks for putting me up on his website. So people please go check out his site, and download EVERY SINGLE ONE of his podcasts on iTunes/stitcher immediately. He is the host of the terror troop horror movie podcast. I have been a big fan of the show since its inception and each week they tackle some new themes and manage to kill it non stop.
The latest episode is “Lovecraft movies”
Give him a follow on twitter @BossButcher and check out his website if you love horror:
http://www.terrortroop.com

That’s it for me, follow me on twitter @joshmarhoff any questions or comments hit me up, I’m all ears. Well not literally I do have other features too 😉
Peace!

Top 5 modern horror flicks (post 2000)

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Heyo,

Before the next review (motel hell) comes out, I thought I would do some lists featuring my favourite horror flicks. I will break them up into different headings as I think it’s a cop out and too easy to just do one all time favourite list. I will finish with that however.

To start, I’m going to go with what I feel is the hardest list, “post 2000’s”. Seriously, I’m pretty sure a lot of people would agree with me when I say the pickings get slim when it gets to modern horror. Even if someone makes a throwback genre movie in the model of a Friday film or “the burning” it just doesn’t have that same feel as what it did when they were made in the past. You may be able to chalk that up to modern film making technology, purely for money making or back then it just had all the elements for it to be “just right”.

Anyway, I’m not here to rant I’m here to tell you my top 5. So enough with the stalling and lets start.

Number 5- Halloween 2
Director-Rob Zombie
Year-2009
Wait! Before you purists get too pissed off at me about including this, can I just tell you why. Pretty much it’s the first 20-25 minutes. This is always important to me in a movie as I need to be grabbed and pulled in straight away. I do not care if it was a dream, flashback or something different, the beginning of this movie is INTENSE. The violence is top notch especially towards the ambulance drivers ( cow, cow, COW haha). I’ll admit it goes a bit off the rails as the movie goes on but I don’t think it nearly deserves the hate it gets. If I had to choose this or the original zombie remake it would be this one any day of the week.
7/10

Number 4- The woman
Director- Lucky McKee
Year- 2011
I have already reviewed this one so I won’t spend much time on it. Just want to tell you if you haven’t seen this yet please do. Dark, bleak and tense. This movie has my eyes glued to the screen every time. This ones underrated and I feel it will keep getting noticed and become a fan favourite as time goes on. SEE IT!

Number 3- Excision
Director- Richard Bates Jr.
Year- 2012
This film needs to be BIGGER. I had never heard, seen or read a review on this film when I rented it.(yes I still rent, support the little guys!!!)
One thing I will say is I’m so glad I have seen it. To say this is a strange film is an understatement. It follows the day to day troubles of teenager Pauline (Annalynne McCord) as she deals with bullies, her sisters illness and her obsession with becoming a surgeon. She will do anything to impress her controlling mother and yes ma’am father, but at the same time, piss them off till no end. I don’t want to ruin too much of this movie but the movie works its way to an unexpected horrible and touching? Ending. If you like quirky indie, strange gore, VERY dark humor and just plain strangeness, then get on this. McCord is unrecognizable from her good looking self and steals this movie and makes it her own.
8.5/10

Number 2- The descent
Director- Neill Marshall
Year- 2005
I don’t think I need to explain too much with this movie as it is a favourite by many. The last time I can remember being claustrophobic was when I was a young kid, that was until I watched this movie. Seriously, even before the “bad guys”(don’t want to ruin it) come and turn the bad situation to an “ohhh shit” situation, I was freaked out! When they are getting stuck in those little tunnels it makes me want to get up and do star jumps so I know I’m not confined. Anyway, this follows a group of ladies who go for a weekend of caving in what they thought was an already discovered cave. Guess again. Once they find out they are first to go in this cave system, everything turns to shit. This wasn’t a huge mainstream hit but has since gained a massive following. Put a point up for the poms cause they did a bloody good job with this one.

Number 1- The Strangers
Director- Brian Bertino
Year 2008
Oh god I can hear the abuse now. WHAT, are you kidding me? Bla bla bla. Yup heard it all but it’s not going to change my mind and that is I LOVE THIS MOVIE! It’s hard for a movie to creep me out and this one does a good job. The thing that works best for me is there is always something going on in the back ground. Usually just something simple but effective such as one of the antagonists slowly walking onto the screen and back out again without liv Tyler knowing. This movie gets my blood boiling a bit like the honorable mention down there. I hate the fact that these people come in and completely destroy these people’s lives and BRAVO for the movie for getting that kind of response out of me. It might be anger but it’s still getting me invested in this film which is better than sitting there counting the clock. I’m pretty sure you have all seen this but if you haven’t, watch it at home alone at night and see what you’re thinking when you go to bed.

Honorable mention
Eden Lake.
James Watkins
2008
I back and forthed on this one. Is it horror is it not, is it better than the other 5. In the end I feel it’s more a thriller but still wanted to get it on here. I can only watch this movie every now and then as it gets me angry haha. Those punks deserve to be beat down and it never comes except for a couple of them, which I do a little fist in the air every time 🙂 the movie is about a happy couple who go to a part of the woods that’s going to be demolished soon for housing. While there, they get into an altercation with some local dickweeds (teenagers) and shit gets real very quickly. What follows is dog murder, torture, man hunting, bullying and all sorts of terrifying real life shit. Does it start with these teens or does it go back to the parents who may be responsible for the going ons throughout the movie? Who cares, make a sequel and get revenge on Em all so I can go to sleep at night not angry for once since I seen this movie 4 years ago. Kidding, sort of. Oh yeah, another point to the English. Well done lads.

What would have made my top ten
House of a thousand corpses, the hills have eyes remake, paranormal activity 1, hostel.

Anyway, that’s it. Remember this is not an all time list, just the last 13 years. Disagree or agree, feel free to abuse or yell in the comments or on twitter 🙂
Up next will be the top 5 90’s. Shit, are there more than 2?

Twitter @joshmarhoff

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Friday the 13th part 2, mini review

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Morning,

I just realized it has been a while since I put anything up so I decided to do a mini review so this place doesn’t start forming tumbleweeds and lonely western music.
I chose Friday the 13th part 2 because along with Halloween and the Texas chainsaw massacre, shaped me into the horror loving nut I am today. Halloween is already done so I guess I have to do Friday and Texas to complete my inspiration trilogy.

Pick any of the first 4 Friday movies, and I guarantee that one of these will be someone’s favorite. Whether it’s number 1 because people like that that’s where it all started, number 3 because this is where Jason really started to take shape with his hockey mask and all, or number 4 because well come on, all star line-up, awesome kills, Crispin glovers AMAZING dance, the beginning of the tommy trilogy, and I think finally Friday the 13th had established itself and it didn’t look like slowing down EVER(until the very next release, number….5. *shudder* DAMN YOU ROY).

For me, number 3 can be taken from the box set, along with number 5(god damn it Roy get outta here) and I wouldn’t care. I think it’s a minor hiccup in an otherwise strong beginning series. One is ok, but I need me some Jason. Number 4 is a close second fave, but NOTHING can knock number 2 from its perch as my number 1 Friday.

Set 5 years after the horrible bloodbath at camp crystal lake, the legend of Jason continues to grow. Now, a new batch of camp counsellors have come to be trained……in dying. Ha, no but seriously, Jason has grown the eff up and is pissed. Mayhem ensues. See- Bloodbath.

Friday 2 has everything I like in a slasher, the campfire tale, good fx, sub par acting, and Jason with a bag over his head. Yes I love the bag, it’s creepy and effective and it nearly makes me wanna give Jason a hug and just tell him that dude, you aren’t that ugly(he is).

Friday the 13th part 2 is one of those movies I can watch again and again and again. Sure it has it’s faults with acting and story/timeline and the confusing ending, but to me that makes it great. Hell, I even love big red Stuart Charno. Amy steel is probably my favourite final girl out of the whole series, she is a decent actor and portrays fear which is rare in an 80’s slasher. The part where it is pitch black and she screams “paul there’s someone in the fucking room” still gives me goosebumps. Roy never gave me goosebumps( I mean it Roy GO AWAY you un scary bastard)

This version of Jason I also find creepy. He seems like a normal dude, not a zombie yet, and just creeps the hell outta me. The way he hunts and kills is a lot of fun. What about the dude in the wheel chair. HELL YES!! That guy was destroyed, although I’m still confused as to why they used that bad pause and transition to the next scene :/ ah well 80’s slasher, it gets a pass.

Like most of its peers that were made around the same time, it is choc full of cheesy dialogue. My favourite however, comes very early in the movie when our head camp counselor is giving a run down of some rules and regulations. That’s all fine until he mentions a special rule for the ladies. He informs them that during menstruation if they don’t keep “clean” a bear will come :/……….WHAT?? What bear is going to come and eat them and WHY?? Lol ( I hope a bear eats Roy, ROY!!!)

Anyway, this movie is a classic and if you haven’t seen it yet, really?, you need to. It has everything to love about a Friday the 13th movie. It has everything to love about an 80’s movie. It has everything to love about a slasher movie. It’s brilliant.

9.5/10- there isn’t many movies that I will give a perfect score to, but a 9.5 is top score.
Forgive me for any mistakes as I have typed this on my iPad and right now I’m getting to the point of frustration.

Feel free to comment or hit me up on twitter
Twitter @joshmarhoff
Instagram #joshrm

P.S GO HOME ROY!
Cheers

Last house on the left (1972)

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Title-Last house on the left

Year- 1972

Director- Wes Craven

Starring- Sandra Peabody, Lucy Grantham  David Hess

Tagline- To avoid fainting, keep repeating: It’s only a movie, It’s only a movie.

Welcome to another review, today we are going for a “flashback sunday”. One way or another, you would of heard about this movie, good or bad, whatever. I have no doubt in my mind that some people are going to hate my opinions on this one, BUT that’s exactly what they are, opinions. So time to delve in.

Plot- Mary and phyllis are two teenage girls carefree and on their way to see a concert together. Once in the city, they head to try and score some pot. This leads them to cross paths with Krug, Fred, Sadie and Junior. A couple of escaped convicts, a son and a girlfriend. Things turn sour and the girls are kidnapped, tortured and brutalized. As the film heads towards the climax, one of the girls parents discover what has happened and decide to exact revenge on the gang in their own brutal way.

Now, I will start with this. I do not like this movie. Shock, horror, gasp, BLASPHEMY!! I am now positive that some of you will swear, call me an un-educated fool and close the page. That is fine as I know that this is one of those movies that is either loved or hated.  Now do not get me wrong, I appreciate what this movie did and I especially appreciate the year in which it was done. I could only imagine peoples’ reactions upon seeing this for the first time in 1972. I’m not quite sure what it is, maybe the music, maybe some of the acting or maybe it’s just the whole vibe I get from the movie. After all, we can’t love everything we see.

The movies early beginnings show us the protagonist family interacting. This is a weird scene as some parts of their conversations come off as good and natural, then there are parts that just make me cringe and close my eyes. From there, I cotinue to lose interest more and more. Here we get to see glimpses of below par acting. 

After watching the girls hang out, eat ice cream and wander around, we are introduced to our bad guys. They are mean, feral, cruel and heartless. They are everything you would want in the baddies and I’ll admit that they are extremely nasty people. Throughout the film you will grow to despise these pricks, but once again I just can’t quite get to that little bit of my seat called “the edge” which lets me know that I am now lost in this flick. At the same time I can see how some people would be. WHAT IS HAPPENING? I should love everything about this movie but I don’t.

Lets continue 🙂

It seems that after every disturbing and sickening scene, we are watered down and reassured with music that could be lifted right off the cutting room floor of “The sound of music” or any given Hollywood heyday classic. Now, I have heard all the reasoning for the soundtrack. Some say that it’s meant to be ironic, some say it is suppose to show the contrasts of the two worlds that have been brought together, but to me it just sounds completely out of place and eventually it gets too distracting and I can not take this movie seriously.

The violence that you will find in this movie I admit is full on and confronting. Like I mentioned earlier, the time era in which it was made would shock and offend many viewers. Unfortunatley, we do live in a world now where most people are desensitised to anything shocking and it is getting harder and harder for movies to give us something new. Maybe I just seen this movie too late and didn’t experience it at the right time. Maybe that is true but, I can’t go back in time so my opinion cannot change 🙂 I am not a person that only loves the new stuff, as a matter of fact most new stuff is garbage. Give me the 80’s and 90’s ANYDAY! After about 40 minutes or so I am compltely starting to fade, yes we get the point OK!

The final 20 minutes or so of the movie is probably the best, as it turns into a revenge piece after the young girls parents realise their daughter has, well, you know been offed and they have a chance to inflict a little bit of street justice themselves. The pace and tension here is ok and nearly starts to get you back in, but it’s just too little too late. I would have liked to of seen the revenge longer, slower, more violent to really give these scumbags what they deserve. Does that make me evil, bad, mean? Probably, but fuck it I want to see it all! Muahahaha

I find it funny that this movie is so looked up to in the horror community as the 70’s were a great time with a lot of amazing movies that could probably top this movie.(Not that i was there to experience first hand) I just find the whole thing bland and dull with a few shining moments. The lead bad guy we are given is probably the best thing this movie offers. He is menacing, demented, mean spirited and just does not give a damn. I really feel that the role he is playing really isn’t too far off what he is really like. I am sure thats not true, but how natural he acted and came across throughout the movie tells me otherwise and don’t get me wrong that’s awesome. One of the harder scenes to watch is a particuarly disturbing one involving one of the girls and making her do things that no one should. This one was done well and made me feel something, BUT is followed up poorly.

I am expecting that not many people are going to agree with me and that is quite alright. How boring would the genre be if we all just wanted the same thing right? I just can not give this movie anything higher than a 4 out of 10. Maybe over time and a few more views, it might go up. I have heard people say that once they had kids, this movie just had so much more impact on them and I can certainly see how that could happen. B’y all means if you haven’t yet, check this movie out, purely for its significance in the horror genre and to see what all the fuss is about but if you want a good movie thats put together perfectly, find something else. (you find one, i am not doing all the work for you)

Sorry i didn’t go into too much detail, but this movie is 40 years old and I think most people would have seen it or know the premise by now.

So final score 4 out of 10 and a NOT recommend. I was not going to mention the remake (ahhh bad word bad word) BUT I think it is done amazingly. It is one of the few remakes that I would fully recommend.

cheers!

Hit me up on twitter @joshmarhoff or feel free to comment and blast me 😀